Post by MARLEY AMANDA KNAPPETT on Aug 30, 2013 0:25:56 GMT -8
| [atrb=style,width: 420px; background-color: efefef; background-image: url(http://24.media.tumblr.com/0478144b9f16c95a37367d1aca56b45c/tumblr_mkfax8tDxp1s97ldco1_500.png); padding: 5px, bTable] MARLEY A. KNAPPETT 16 | HETEROSEXUAL | JUNIOR | HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT | ELLE FANNING "i wish i was made of steel so all your bullets would bounce off, 'cause all these scars should get lost. i'd rather dream like i'm flying through space in my invisible plane and have the power to make this stop just like wonderwoman. words hurt more than you'll ever know and i wish that i could make it stop just like wonderwoman." ~elise estrada THREE SILENCE AND THEIR SECRETS THEY SURROUND ME WHISPERS TRY TO BRING ME DOWN snapshot and you're too small to know anything except that the people on the other side of the chain link fence are watching you and they're deciding whether they want you or one of the other kids playing around you and you try your very hardest to look like the kind of little girl that all families want but twenty minutes later shannon is called away from everyone else instead and you shuffle back inside with everyone else and try not to look sad. because you still don't have a family and you just want a mom and a dad like all the other kids in preschool and that's what you ask santa for at christmas time. you watch the other children play and see who gets chosen and try to be more like them but you're never the one who gets chosen and taken home and given a real family and you learn early on that people don't want you. FIVE LIKE I'M NOTHING HOW LONG SHOULD I WAIT DEAR HOW LONG 'TIL YOU FIGURE IT OUT snapshot and you always colour very carefully inside the lions with your bright crayons and purple is your favourite but you broke it three whole days before kindergarten starts and your foster mom goes out and buys you a whole new pack of crayons with a sharpener just to make you stop crying because you can't be the only person in kindergarten without a purple crayon. you wake up on the first day and you skip ahead of your foster mom with your purple skirt fluttering behind you in the wind that you make yourself and when you go on the rocking horse in the corner you don't even ride sidesaddle because you're five years old and when you're five years old you don't care who sees your underwear. you make friends with a girl named brianne and she tells you to call her bri and you hold hands and steal a jump rope from a mean girl from preschool during recess. when the final bell rings your foster parents are there to pick you up and then you all go out for ice cream and it's the best first day of school ever. NINE WON'T YOU FIGURE IT OUT SO I CLOSE MY EYES AND I HOPE YOU'LL FIND ME snapshot and you're in the fourth grade now and your favourite colour isn't purple anymore it's pink and pink is everything and your new foster mom says it looks good on you with your pale skin and blonde hair and blue eyes the colour of the sky on a pretty summer day. one day at recess bri pulls you aside and tells you a secret and she's moving across the country and you don't exactly understand it until three weeks later when you look out the window on your way home from school and there's a different car parked in her driveway and then it hits you that your best friend in the whole world is gone. after that you sit alone in the middle of the soccer field at recess even when it rains and you don't talk to people much unless they talk to you first because they were always more friends with bri than they were with you and it kind of hurts a little bit. TWELVE WHERE IS MY HERO WHY MUST I FIGHT ALONE WHERE DO THE LONELY GO snapshot and you're the one moving now and there's lots of paperwork because of the foster care system but your new foster family gets a new house in los angeles and your two new sisters claim the good rooms before you can even get inside because you're little and they have longer legs than you and they run faster. you decide your favourite colour is green now because then it makes your room a little more bearable and you don't have to repaint the walls and you kind of have to get your new dad to help you cram your desk in between your bed and the window and it doesn't quite make it and now there's a scrape in the paint but when he offers to fix it you say no. you make some new friends at school and when they drop a bracelet you haven't paid for into your bag you don't say anything because they all look so excited and you don't even get caught and then it happens again and again and again and sometimes you do it when they're not there. FOURTEEN WHEN THERE'S NOWHERE TO LEFT TO HIDE YOU CAN TAKE ME FOR GRANTED snapshot and you like a boy and he's your friend and he's a couple of years older than you but he lives on your street. the only problem is he has a girlfriend but one day he calls you and asks you to come over so you do and maybe you go a little too far but it feels exciting so you just do it and after he tells you he didn't actually break up with her the way he said he did and she's at a sleepover with her friends and you run back to your house without looking over your shoulder and you feel so guilty it makes your heart jump into your throat and skip every other beat. you don't want to talk to your foster family about it and your friends all know him and they know her and so you can't tell them and so you have to keep it to yourself. but eventually she finds out and she calls your name in the hallway at school and she slaps you and her brother pushes you into a locker because you've always been a little smaller than the average fourteen-year-old and you can't get out until one of your foster sisters manages to track down the janitor who can break you out. but now everyone glares at you at school and no one talks to you and you eat your lunch alone in the library and you try to track bri down on facebook because you miss her even though it's been five years since you actually talked to her but you can't find her and you think her mom got remarried and her last name is different now but you aren't really sure. sometimes when people find out their boyfriend cheated on them they just assume that it's you and they slap you too and you know the janitor on a first name basis now because he keeps having to pull you out of lockers and recycling dumpsters and sometimes garbage cans. FIFTEEN BUT I'LL KEEP MY PRIDE KEEP MY HEAD HELD HIGH I WILL CARRY ON I WILL CARRY ON snapshot and it's your fifteenth birthday and you don't have a good day at all because only seventeen people write on your facebook wall and then at school you get locked in a dark dark dark janitor's closet for two periods and nobody sees you get pushed in so you have to just sit curled up in the corner until a janitor actually shows up to get something and it's not even janitor matt and the strange janitor gets mad at you for breaking into his supply closet. after that you go out with your friends and everything feels better for a little while but then you steal a necklace and they say it's okay because it's your birthday and it's like your present to yourself but you get caught and your foster parents have to come get you and they don't say anything on the way home but you can tell they're mad and that's when you know you won't be with them for much longer and it's sad because they've kept you the longest. everyone goes out for dinner and they say you're grounded and you can't go even though it's your birthday and you cry but they don't change their minds so you're alone and you think about all the stories you've read on the internet and you get an idea so you go downstairs and find a sharp pair of scissors and it all makes it feel better for a while and now your favourite colour is red and you wear long sleeves all the time and every time you get stuck in a locker you make a new scar and the scars help and you can breathe again. SIXTEEN I CAN STAND ALL ALONE FINDING STRENGTH ON MY OWN I WILL CARRY ON snapshot and you have a new foster family now and your new sister finds out about the scars first because she accidentally walks into the bathroom where the lock has never worked when you're just getting out of the shower and you tell her not to tell anyone but she tells her parents anyway and they aren't so much mad as they are scared and you know because you can see it in their eyes and it's so easy to tell you're going to be moving again. you pack your things slowly and your foster dad searches through all your things and takes away the scissors and the razors and the pocket knives and they tell your social worker and she tells the second new family of the year and they never leave you alone and they're about to move to a tiny town in maine which means more paperwork to switch to a new foster system. they sign you up to talk to a counselor twice a week and you don't like to talk about it because it works better to find something sharp somewhere and let it out that way. at school you think that someone has told all your teachers not to let you be alone because they always ask if you can wait a few minutes to go to the bathroom and you don't make any new friends but there's always people from student council and the lgbt sitting near you at lunch and if you disappear they casually follow you like they realized they might want to go sit under that tree out front too. it's all unnerving and you hate it and you don't want to be around people and you want to be by yourself and you want people to stop hiding everything you could hurt yourself with and you haven't stolen anything in a while either and your fingers itch to do it every time you walk into a store and you just want to be able to breathe again. BEHIND THE MASK RACHEL | 19 | PACIFIC TIME | STEPH LINKED ME | TRISTAN, ANA, BELA, CARLISA  |
