Post by ZACHARIA JAKOB MASON on Aug 1, 2013 8:12:29 GMT -8
| [atrb=style,width: 420px; background-color: efefef; background-image: url(http://24.media.tumblr.com/0478144b9f16c95a37367d1aca56b45c/tumblr_mkfax8tDxp1s97ldco1_500.png); padding: 5px, bTable] ZACHARIA J. MASON 20 | STRAIGHT | FIREFIGHTER | EMERGANCY CREW | TYLER POSEY July 15th 2013. My mom gave me this stupid journal full of blank pages for my birthday and said I need to start writing my thoughts and feelings maybe even a few songs, but I don't really see the point. This notebook full of blank pages doesn't need my memories filling the pages to make it any less of a waste of space in my room, but I love my mom and she's asked me to do it, so here goes nothing. Where do I even begin? I guess I should start with the most import of all information, my name is Zacharia Jakob Mason, but I will only answer to Zac, my mom can get away with saying my full name and my 'grandparent's call me zachary, they are the only ones that get away with anything but Zac, I do tend to get upset when people call me by my full name, it's too proper. I was born on the 14th of July and I am not really sure what that means, my mom is really into the signs, and she's always telling me that I'm a Cancer and that I should embrace it. I honestly have no idea what she's talking about, but after twenty years of her rattling on and on, I've picked up a little here and there, not really enough to draw a picture. My mom is a single parent, she's raised me all on her own, and it's been like that ever since I could remember. Apparently the jackass that got my mom pregnant told mom he loved her and after she told him she was pregnant with me, never showed his face again, being that my mom was only 19 when I was born, scares me, at my age, she already had a two year old son running around, and me, I can't even keep my shoe laces tied without proper reminder. With that being said, it’s pretty obvious that my mom is a great woman, her being weird is more reason to love her. After I was born, mom never got married or even dated, she put all her time into raising me, holding two jobs and having the neighbors watch me when she wasn’t around. When I was younger, I never understood her absence, I guess I always just assumed she didn’t love me since she didn’t spend much time with me, but then, she never had anyone to help her, my grandparents disowned her after finding out she was going to have me, and well, I hate to say it, but I kind of ruined her life. She worked two jobs just to keep our two bedroom apartment, but over time, I began to call our older neighbors my family, and they’ve been with us ever since. Nana and Papa lived across the hall when I was growing up, they were in their forties when I was born and they put up with my crap quite a bit. If anyone would and could take care of me it would be those two. Before I was born, mom didn’t even know them and they soon became my adopted grandparents, taking her under their wing just as they had me. Even mom calls them Nana and Papa now, and I think back to growing up, even now, I am closer to them than my actual blood family, they might have accepted me into their lives, but I have never felt welcome. I have my family, and because of their cruelty towards my mom, I have never thought to include them. Yeah, sure they call me and invite me over like any other grandparents, I just struggle with the idea of them trying to convince my mom to abort me, doesn’t really make a guy feel welcome. Not that I really care about their feelings, they could tell me they hate me and I wouldn’t be affected, I guess that might make me a little cold hearted, but I would like to think I am just bitter and trying to protect my own. Mom, Nana and Papa are the only family I got and it pisses me off to think anyone could stay upset with them. I know I sure struggle even thinking about giving my mom a bad time, she is after all the woman that put her whole life on hold to make sure I had a childhood worth remembering, and a future full of opportunity and promise. Now, before you think my life has been full of hard ships, I want you to let that go, my life has been nothing but a good time. I came out of the womb with a smile on my face, Okay, so I don’t really know if that’s true or not, but let’s just go with it. If there was trouble to get myself into, I would. I loved to live life dangerously, well as dangerous as I could considering mom had a whole apartment complex watching me from the windows, the most I managed was a few cuts and bruises from trying to master some skateboard trick or a broken bone or two from trying to jump off the roof into the garbage. I have struggled my whole life taking things as seriously as they should, well, I guess by the way Nana tells me, “Zac someday you are gonna wake up and realize that life is not a big party.” It’s not that I can’t be serious, it’s just that I don’t’ want to be weighed down with so much weight on my head and shoulders, life should not be filled with worry and guilt. Who really cares if I was raised with a single mom and I still don’t know my father’s name? I have family that loves me and I have a mom that would fly to the moon and back if it meant that I wouldn’t have to a care in the world. I’m not really good at this, I feel like I’m forcing myself to write. July 16th 2013 Knocked down around for round You’re feeling like you’re shot down on the ground When will the fantasy end? When will the heaven begin? I’ve been thinking about this dumb notebook, it’s been sitting on my dresser since yesterday, it’s not that I don’t like writing, it’s just that I don’t know what to say. Especially knowing that no one will ever read my thoughts. The only time that journals get read is if a. if I get killed and they think that I might have written something about my killer or b. I killed someone and they are looking for a motive. Or finally c, I become famous and I release it to the public for their viewing pleasures. Honestly don’t see option C being likely and well B would only happen if I ran into my birth father and God only knows if A is possible. Sometimes I lay in bed and wonder how I got to this moment, holding this blue ink pen, and this journal sitting in my lap while I lean against the chair of this desk that I’ve had since I was in the first grade. That all sounds really bad, I’m 20 years old living with my mom, in the apartment we’ve always lived in, but listen first, judge later. Papa retired as a firefighter when I turned 18 and paid for me to go to classes to replace him, I’ve been on the fire squad ever since. I make good money, and I love my job, but there’s just no point in getting my own place, especially since mom still works two jobs, not out of need, but working has now become her safety blanket, she feels comfortable when she is at work and she saves most of it now that I pay all the bills. She is one of those women that doesn’t like to take help from anyone, it took just about everything to convince her that I was either going to get my own place or she could allow me to take on the bills or at least half of them. It started with the rent and slowly I took over everything. I like it better this way, I hate to see my mom working so hard, at least this way she can save up for her retirement, but right now, she’s paying Papa back for giving me such a great chance, and those classes weren’t cheap. Mom doesn’t know it yet, but Papa and Nana have never used any of the money that she’s given them. Instead, they’ve put it in a savings account and they plan on giving her all the cash within it when they pass away, now that they are in their 70s the thought of losing them scares me. I don’t like to think of sad things, honestly who does? The reason my mom seems to think I need an outlook is because I do not like to talk about the loses at work, I have lost several crew members, who have died during rescues, and it’s always hard to accept when a rescue goes south and we don’t get there in time to save the victims within the fire. She thinks because I don’t talk about it that it’s eating me up on the inside and that I need to get it off my chest and as sad as it sounds, I know that death is a part of life, and that even though I would not call myself a religious guy, that we all have a certain set number of days we were meant to be here, our bodies are meant to expire and no matter what life style a person leads, or what they were doing the day they passed on, whether it be fighting a fire or sitting on a toilet if that day was your number, than you are going to die either way. There’s just no avoiding fate. What I can do today, is put in a helping hand, give hope to others and not exactly play God when it comes to saving lives, but comfort others knowing I am there and ready and willing to help. Now that I have that cleared, I guess I should write down my relationships and stuff that's important to me.. God, I'm so bad at this it's pathetic. I have only dated one girl in my past, we dated for about three and a half years before we realized that we were terrible for each other, we just really weren't happy and we brought out the worst in each other. I am not someone that gets angry or even says things that I don't mean, but she'd push me to the point where I would snap, and I am not proud of it, but I have shoved her against the wall and yelled in her face. I wasn't raised to treat women so badly, but when that girl is yelling in my face and accusing me of cheating when I haven't so much as looked in another girls direction, and would try and tell me I was cheating on a nearly daily bases, enough was enough. trust and happiness in a relationship is super important and when you don't have either, it's time to call it quits. Sure, ending things with her was hard, and it took me a long time to get over it, but now looking back on it, I know that ending things with her was for the best and I wouldn't change things, even if I could. She's with someone else, and I've heard she's going to marry him, it's been about a year since we broke up, I hope that guy has quite a bit of patience and doesn't get upset easily because that's the type of gal to really put your mind in a spin. I haven't dated anyone since we broke up, but I have seen a few girls here and there, take them out and things, nothing too serious and I expect it's probably because they aren't dumb, most of the girls around here know from experience that I prefer long term relationships and I know a lot of them aren't ready and up until recently I'd say I wasn't ready for any kind of seriousness in my life either, it takes time to heal all wounds and even if I knew it was for the best, it still took a while to make it so that she didn't run across my head ever once in a while and in a relationship, I never wanted to carry her around with me. As for friendships, I have two best friends, I grew up with them since I was young, they both grew up in the apartment complex with me. Gunnar is six weeks older than me and he's the weight the keeps me grounded, reminds me that i can't just fly off the handle just because I'm excited about something. He encourages to think things through instead of running off and doing whatever that pops in my head, he can be a bit of a wet blanket but he means well, and I know he just wants to keep things clean. The thid member of our group is *Dylan O'brien* he's a character and a half. If there was a class clown in any group it would be the younges to us, he's exactly five months younger than me and if anyone struggles with keeping things serious, it's him. Life for him as always been one big running joke. I swear that kid never gets embarrassed of anything and I'd take a bullet for him. I think it's because I am the middle guy, but I've always kept the two of them together, they never much liked hanging out with each other if I wasn't around, they were just two different I guess. Where Gunnar is serious, *Dylan* could never be. BEHIND THE MASK ALEX | 23 | CENTRAL | BROWSING | MARKUS  |
