Post by NIAMH CATHERINE DONOGHUE on Jul 9, 2013 13:19:58 GMT -8
| [atrb=style,width: 420px; background-color: efefef; background-image: url(http://24.media.tumblr.com/0478144b9f16c95a37367d1aca56b45c/tumblr_mkfax8tDxp1s97ldco1_500.png); padding: 5px, bTable] NIAMH C. DONOGHUE 22 | HETERO| UNEMPLOYED | VISITOR | CAILIN RUSSO ENTRY 01 The therapist said this would help with my “abandonment” issues or whatever the hell he calls it. I won’t give him a name because then she would suddenly become more real, more concrete. I’m only seeing him because Bennett insisted with that stern, fatherly look in his eyes. And I’ve always respected him, more than our parents, especially now. Even though he swears I will be the death of him, I know he couldn’t go a day without making sure I’m okay. That’s just how he is and I may never tell him, but I love him for it. He’s like my one bit of hope for this world, that maybe not everyone in it is complete shit. And some days I wish I could be like him. I wish I could forgive our parents for leaving us here alone, leaving me here to live with her, but I can’t. They send me money like it’s enough to make up for what they did and I take it. I take it because that’s what I do. They shouldn’t expect anything different. I’m not Bennett. ENTRY 07 We’re alone now – Fiona and I. Bennett had to leave, but I don’t blame him. It wasn’t like my parents leaving. And I know now why he insisted on me seeing the therapist. He knows I can’t talk to Fiona. She hates me, I’m sure, and would only hate my more if she heard the things I say about our parents to my therapist. I still can’t talk to them, after all this time. They don’t deserve to know how I’m doing. Unless they’d like to know I spend the money they send on late nights out with men they’d never approve of, they can fuck off. I’m sure Fiona tells them anyways. She would… I don’t hate my sister. We’re just not close. I can tell I’m useless in her eyes and yet, she still takes care of me. She always has and I don’t know why. Maybe she just feels obligated because we’re family or she thinks I’d end up dead in some ditch if she didn’t. I do love her, but I don’t think she’d ever believe it. It’s never been easy for me to express feelings or desires beyond anger, sadness, or want. They’re my default settings and it’s just who I am. People tell me I never realize the consequences of my actions, that I only think about myself. They’re wrong. I’m fully aware of the burden I place on Fiona, but I can’t stop. All I’ve ever known is freedom to do what I please and when my parents fucked off out of her, it put me right on the fast track to not giving two shits. I’m not strong enough to help her and myself. It’s me or no one at all. ENTRY 15 I slept with him – the aforementioned, nameless therapist. I wasn’t thinking, but I rarely do. It takes the fun out of every situation and I prefer to leave all my thinking to Fiona. She’d do it for me even if I did it for myself. I know her I can’t tell her about him and Bennett would kill him, but I’m not ashamed for it. I’d do it again easily. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt so alive. It was the best therapy he’s given me so far. ENTRY 23 It’s become a regular thing now. No words are exchanged, only sex. He has a wife, a daughter and two twin boys, waiting for him every night at home. This past time, I stared at their happy family portrait framed on his desk while his hands groped me from behind, rough and insistent. If I can’t have a happy family, why should they? My best friend, Harper, says I should be ashamed. She left the café we were sitting in the second I told her – the hypocrite. I didn’t abandon her when she confessed to sleeping with her ex- boss’ husband for firing her. But I’ve come to realize that abandonment is a part of life. Everyone leaves and no one can be trusted. ENTRY 30 Bennett’s coming. I need him because there’s no one left to talk to. I called him last night and he promised to come within the week. I can’t do this. He needs to fix it. ENTRY 31 Bennett came last night. I’d just gotten back from a party and I tried to tell him everything, but he could smell the alcohol on my breath. He tucked me into bed, like he did when we were just children, and said we’d talk in the morning. I remember hearing the shouting, jumping out of bed not long after to peak through the blinds. I could see the group of guys retreating in the darkness and Fiona dragging Bennett onto the porch. I stumbled back to my bed and sat there for what seemed like forever, seeing the blood covering Bennett’s shirt in my mind. I don’t remember getting up or even walking into the bathroom, but I can never forget what I saw there. Fiona loved Bennett, maybe more than I ever did. She was defiant. I couldn’t make her see what was right in front of her. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had to take care of her that night. I cleaned the mess up silently, letting the cops in when they arrived. The rest is pointless. ENTRY 37 This journal seems like a joke now. A place to collect all the shit things that happen in my life so I can read them over again and again until they feel okay. But they’ll never feel okay. Fiona’s lost her head and she’ll never be the same. I’ll never be the same. Bennett was going to help me. I can’t figure this out on my own. I can’t have this baby, but I can’t pay for the abortion on my own. My parents have stopped sending money for now. I think the funeral is to blame. ENTRY 39 I did it. The baby is gone and no one is the wiser. I’ve stopped sleeping with my therapist or seeing him at all for that matter. He calls, but I never answer. Maybe someday Fiona will notice the money I stole from her purse each week to collect up enough for abortion. She’s still too lost in her own world. ENTRY 42 We’re moving and I fucking hate her for it. Everyone says I’m the selfish one, but it’s always my life that gets ruined. She’s doing this for her and she knows too well that I can’t live on my own. It’s too soon – I’m not ready. And of all places, we’re moving to Maine. What the hell is there to do in Maine? I have friends in Boston and she’ll be the only one I have in Maine. I’ll be stuck in some shitty house with nothing but her to talk to. It’s even worse now that Bennett died, but if she ever found out I was the reason he was there in the first place…I don’t want to think of that happening. But I have no choice. I have to go. And this dumbass journal is getting set on fire and then I'm tossing the ashes into the damn Charles River before we leave. BEHIND THE MASK ELLE | 23 | EASTERN | HURR | EMERY See Emery Dumas! |
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