Post by julie angelina mcguire on Jun 19, 2013 11:46:25 GMT -8
| [atrb=style,width: 420px; background-color: efefef; background-image: url(http://24.media.tumblr.com/0478144b9f16c95a37367d1aca56b45c/tumblr_mkfax8tDxp1s97ldco1_500.png); padding: 5px, bTable] JULIE A. MCGUIRE 29 | HETEROSEXUAL | TEACHER ASSISTANT | TOWNSFOLK | KRISTEN BELL It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. -- Aristotle Onassis DAY 1: it’s always a struggle to give up bad habits. Like biting your nails, that was easy. Some self-applied aversion therapy and hey presto you no longer bit your nails. But that was a good five years ago and that was a relatively easy habit to break, it’s nothing compared to this. You decided to give up drinking after a well needed wake up call. You know it won’t be easy but things are never easy, the whole point of life is to stick obstacles in your path and tease you with your hopes and ambitions at the end of a stick that you can never reach. But as you sit in your apartment, alone and hands shaking you contemplate whether you can go through with this. Quit cold turkey and give up everything you once know, you look at an old picture of yourself and your baby, when things were good, fantastic even. You’re smiling and it’s as if there is a ray of light exploding from you, you frown not able to remember the last time you were that happy. And it’s then you realise you have to go through with this, to make up for such shitty mistakes and get your son back. DAY 7: a week has gone by. You haven’t dared left the house lest temptation gets the better of you, but you know that’s no way to live. You glance out of the window; the world is going on without you. You ignore the calls from your friends; you need to do this on your own. You’ve always been so co-dependent on others, feeding off bad decisions and good times but that’s no way to live anymore. It’s time to take responsibility and finally grow up. But despite pushing people away with good intentions, starving yourself from social interaction is slowly taking its toll. You’re itching to dial up a number and go out for a night on the town, paint the town red like you used to. But your determination stops you in your tracks. It’s a mission of self-control and will to change. It’s fucking mission impossible. DAY 13: you’re taking your first steps out in the real world since starting this crusade. It’s a real test to your will power, never before have you regretted living above a night club, but it seemed convenient at the time. You were bouncing between jobs after your husband, ex-husband ran you out of town. You’d been crashing on couches and spending the night at various mens apartments but you needed your own place. Some place to finally call your own. You moved in with a complete stranger because it was the only way to afford rent but they moved out a few months later and you’re stuck paying rent that there’s no way you can afford but you soon work out an arrangement with the landlord, it’s not the most moral of solutions but you’ve done worse. But as you stand in that shoddy alley way about ten minutes away from your place, you’d rather go through that a thousand times more than be stood there in that moment. You don’t know how you got there, maybe it was your subconscious telling you to just give up. You struggle to move your feet and march right back into that apartment but you’re frozen. It’s as if you have lost all control of your body and the carnal cravings have taken over. You look to the floor and try to remember why you’re doing this, who you’re doing this for. You look up and the dealer smiles wickedly, beckoning you forward. He knows why you’re there; he’s teasing you and wants to drag you back into the dark pit of misery. Your hands wriggle as if to reach out but you’re saved by a delivery boy who is cursing and yelling at you to get out of the way. And it’s enough to shake you out of it; you take one last look behind before dragging your feet and leaving the devils nest as quick as you can. DAY 45: you’re keeping track of the days with the word of the day calendar your sister sent you for Christmas. Today's word is volatile. You can’t help but laugh, being volatile was exactly what got you into this mess. You were never one to have a true hold on your temper, you’re easily provoked and mixed with a cocktail of drugs… the results were never destined to be great. You were always the tomboy growing up, an avid sports fan and participator and it carried you through to your young adult life. It’s what made you able to pull your own in a bar fight with the countless bimbos and skanks. You could definitely pack a punch but you limited the use of your fists for assholes but that didn’t mean you went easy on the girls either. But on one particular night, you were so far gone you couldn’t tell the difference between feeling nauseous or ecstatic -more so than usual if that was even possible- you got into an argument with this redhead, it started off as a typical spat but then she pushed you, your friends were no good as they were only pushing you forward, you couldn’t let her get away with that. So you pushed her back and that led to an all-out brawl then and there in the middle of the party. No-one moved to break you apart, spectators crowded round as fists went flying, screeches merged with the shouting of the other patrons. She was more of a challenge than you anticipated. You both got thrown out and the next thing you know you’re waking up inside a dumpster with your skirt hitched around your waist and a raging hangover. It was then you vowed to change, or at least attempt to and the first thing to tackle was the drugs. DAY 99: nearly there now. Only a few more precious hours to go, you can’t believe it but you’ve nearly done it. You deserve some kind of medal or some shit because whoever said you couldn’t do it can suck it because look who’s laughing now. You’re spending the day at home with the dog you adopted last week; you needed company that wasn’t a reminder of what you used to be. You want to forget all about the shitty past and all the terrible things you did because it nearly killed you. You feel like the odd one out when you’re out for the night and they’re ordering shots and beer whilst you’re nursing a cherry coke. Along with the drugs you decided to give up drinking… and smoking. You’re officially the designated driver despite not knowing how to drive but it’s supposedly better than one of the drunkards attempting to, that’s drunken logic for you. But despite that they’re supportive of your decision to go ’kosher’ and don’t rub the booze in your face. But as you sit on the large sofa with the equally large dog on top of yourself, your eyes are drooping but a knock at the door wakes you. It’s nearly one in the morning, you don’t want to get up but you do so anyway prepared to give the person at the other side of the door a piece of your mind. But you’re left speechless as the face is not one you expected to see ever again. He pushes his way in with his imposing self, walking around like he owns the place. You have your arms crossed and irritated look on your face as you demand to know what he’s doing here. There’s a to and fro of sarcastic comments and insults until he gets to the real reason he came because you know damn well he didn’t come because he missed you. He wants you to get back together but you know that would only land you back to square one. Your addiction is like a nasty weed and he was at the root of it. He supplied you with the drugs and even got you selling too. He had meant to be a rebound all those years ago but all you seem to do is go back again and again. But it was time for that vicious cycle to end, he was a dead beat and he would only drag you down with him but the sexual tension is there and it’s been so long you almost cave. You hold your resolve and tell him to leave, he tempts you with kisses and his wandering hands but you push him towards the door. He promises that this isn’t over but you slam the door in his face, with the safety of the doors between you and him, you fall to the floor and rest your head against your knees. DAY 100: Today marks the 100th day of your temperance. It’s been a long a tiring journey and many times you thought of caving but you didn’t and don’t you feel good about it now? There are no more headaches, nightly stomach aches and you’re feeling healthier. Not to mention your wallet has been a lot healthier too, you feel as if you’re a new person. It’s a new beginning for you and you’re determined not to screw it up again but apart of you is always wondering when this will all come crumbling down around you, happy endings are only in fairy tales after all. But you’re determined to stick this through, you’ve made it this far and you’re so close to getting what you want. You’ve made a plan, you’re going to get your life back on track, get a job. A good job, something you can be proud to talk about and you’re going to go back to Maine and see your son. You’re going to be the mother her deserves. BEHIND THE MASK ZOE | AGE | GMT | IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT | N/A delilah was temporarily unemployed, she had no jobs lined up which meant she was left to her own devices until one presented itself. she had done things that would have stretched over months in a period of a few days. she'd cleaned her apartment, went out with friends and even went downtown to hangout with the kids. but it was one of those rare moments in her life, that she was left alone and felt lonely. it was then she missed the companionship a relationship bought. she missed snuggling up on the sofa to watch a movie. she just missed having someone around really, her home felt empty with just her. it was a spacious two bedroom, she didn't know why she bought a two bedroom since it was only her. no pets, nothing, just her and her array of junk. a part of her had thought the second room would have been used by now, she had hoped it would be filled with the toys and clothes of a child by now. but instead it was filled with odd bits and bobs. things she never really cared for. filling it, made it less empty. and whilst filled it wasn't a reminder of what should have been. it meant there was less sighing when she walked pass it. but no amount of filling could take away what she felt. she felt as if she had been robbed of something that never truly got to belong to her. she was never the same after the news. she became sinister, and a corrupt human being. the complete opposite of what samson was. it was obvious they weren't going to make it through it, she blamed him for that, she even blamed god. what had they done to deserve that? were they really not meant to be happy together? and in answer she would reflect upon how her and samson had gotten together. on those off days she would believe it was punishment for her unfaithful ways. but she had never cheated on samson, so surely that counted for something. but apparently not, so she was sat on her sofa as the rain poured on outside. she was flicking through the channels, not paying attention to what came on the screen. there was a knock at her door but she ignored it, she continued to flick through the channels aimlessly, the rain drowning any hopes of her going outdoors. delilahs face soon brightened as she heard samson's muffled voice from outside. getting up eagerly, she smoothed invisible creases and made her way towards the front door. she pulled open the door with a smile that soon faltered as she saw his face. he was drenched but that wasn't what caught d's attention, the expression on his face was enough indication that something was wrong. and if looks could kill, she was pretty sure she would have been on her way to whatever hell had in store for her. "hey, come in" she smiled in an attempt to lighten the mood though it seemed futile, she had never seen him that angry before. "wipe your feet." she instructed as she disappeared to find a towel. she returned moments later with a fresh towel in hand, she held it out. "not that i'm not happy to see you, especially when your wet and dripping on my wooden floor. but what are you doing here samson?" she asked, pretending not to know. but she knew. and she also knew it wouldn't be so easy to brush off the incident. |
