03. EATING FOR TWO

03. EATING FOR TWO Jun 19, 2013 11:42:15 GMT -8

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Post by THE SNITCH on Jun 19, 2013 11:42:15 GMT -8

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THESNITCH@GOSSIP.COM

Leo Tolstoy once said, "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Who am I to disagree with a man wiser than his pay grade? In the warm season of summer, pheromones are running high. As a result, we have new families to celebrate! Just remember, lovebirds: children take sacrifice. Once they're here, you won't be able to run around town like you always do. I guess you'll have to settle down and stop the cheating, lying, and scheming you're so used to!

IT'S A GIRL!
Here's to the ex-addict and the glorified stripper! Liam Kealey has officially knocked up Daniella Rosewood. I know it's slightly nontraditional to show before the wedding bells, but I'm not here to judge. Good luck with Kurt Carrigan when he finds out, though! I would get out of his way if I were you. Oh, and if that baby is anything like Talia Kealey, the only person bitchier than me, let's hope the kicker doesn't bruise. But good luck! I bet she'll be just like her parents.

IT'S A BOY!
Chelsea Park, you should probably look for a sugar daddy as soon as humanly possible. I know you could probably get money from other sources -- let's be honest, between you and me -- but you're stuck here. I hope you play the mommy role as well as you can any other. Unfortunately, you missed the mark for Sixteen and Pregnant. That's alright, though! I'll make sure we all get full coverage of your little oopsie.

IT'S A GIRL! AND ANOTHER ONE!
Jack Bailey: manwhore of the month. While you're spending so much time with Tabitha Morning, our favorite go-go girl, you're at risk of missing out on valuable time with your little twins. Then again, it's not the first time around, is it? We'll let the townspeople put it all together. But hey, when it comes down to being Father of the Year, at least you've got a head start! Nina Lombardi is one lucky lady.

ABORTIONS
The current count is two, unless you guys want to up it. I know Brunswick isn't the most conservative part of the great US, but if I've already sniffed up two of these, how many am I missing? Now, I hope you can catch my hints. Your rest won't be all too serene, but if you can read between the lines, go on and take a bow.

UP FOR ADOPTION?
The current count is one. I'm far too nice to reveal this juicy piece of information, but you'll know what I'm talking about when the truth comes out on its own accord -- and I'm sure it will. Secret adoptions aren't Brunswick's style, but hey, let's keep it fresh. Let's see if anyone wants to up the count? We could have a trendsetter on our hands.

MISCARRIAGES
Current count is two. We've got a few barren ladies around here, so be extra sensitive if you're a parent and don't give a damn. Well, I suppose I can't expect that of you guys. Fertile or not, you're all full of your own secrets. How else would I have my fun?

SECRET PARENTS
The current count is one. I bet it's fun to be the parent who cashes in the child support checks. Read between the lines, sweeties, and you might figure out who the secret sperm donor is. We all love a good runaway parent, but the fact that the whole family's in town is even better.

Congratulations to all the new parents! As for those of you who have babies in your past, I'm keeping a close eye on you. I guess Father's Day left me feeling sympathetic, since I'm waiting to reveal your dirtiest secrets. But don't worry, those who can play with words will pull it from this post alone. Let's hope your neighbors aren't too judgmental. I know I'm not! Now, don't forget to leave me some love in the comments. I said it makes me more merciful, didn't I? I promise my next post will be a jaw-dropper. Until next time! Xoxo.

Post by THE SNITCH on Jun 19, 2013 11:42:15 GMT -8

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