HANSEL, PAUL LINUS

PAUL L. HANSEL

34 | HETEROSEXUAL | POLICE DETECTIVE | EMERGENCY CREW | JEREMY RENNER

THE INTERVIEW

HELLO. THANKS FOR COMING IN TODAY. SHALL WE START WITH YOUR NAME?

"Woo, hello there, sweetie. I bet you would want to interview someone else other than me, wouldn't you? Oh no, really you do want to interview me. Wow that's surprising because I tend to give people the stink eye sometimes. I'm Paul. Oh, you want my full name, really? I hope you like the Peanuts, the comic strip. Charlie Brown cartoons. Because well I think that's where my parents got my middle name from. My full name is Paul Linus Hansel. Yes, Hansel. Like Hansel and Gretel. I know I get that a lot."

THAT'S A NICE NAME. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

"Ha, that's funny you should even ask that. For a living well, I solve murders, solve the unknown. Things like that pretty much. I was also in the Navy and that's pretty much still a big part of my life a little bit. So I know how to use a gun really well. But with being a detective, I do take my job seriously. It's an important job to have in a city, any city really. Even if it doesn't seem as important as those higher ups. Though I probably shouldn't even mention this or anything, but I'm also an undercover cop at times. I like doing it and I'm pretty good at doing it too. Because you know it takes a pretty good skill to do something really well, and I can get you your guy in the act for his crime. Just give me some time pulling my cover and viola, I've just got your guy."

INTERESTING. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN?

"Let's see, the things I do for fun are a little bit out there compared to other people really. I'm a sharp shooter and I like to practice a lot at the shooting range. Considering I'm also equipped to be a sniper, I can shoot something farther that anyone could really expect. But that's not all I like to do for fun that is considered to be shooting things, I can use a bow as well. You know like Robin Hood, who has perfect aim. Well I have perfect aim too, and that took years of practice to get it that way. And I like to keep it as perfect as possible. Can't have an arrow be off just by a sliver and miss your target. It has to be in the dead center or I can't stand it and will make sure it's right in the dead center until I can actually get it.

Other things I like to do is go swimming, running, just try to stay in shape, really. I gotta keep my muscles in tact for the ladies you know. But staying in shape is a big thing, because it can help keep a person to live a longer life, and I intend to. I don't smoke, because that decreases my chances of living up to the three digits and I want to live up to the three digits in my life time. So I've talked about how I like to shoot things with different weapons, how I like to keep myself in shape, was there anything else I needed to cover? I'm not sure there was. But in any case, I should probably mention this, but I'm not too overly fond of PDA, you know like couples being up in each other's faces and just like chewing them off. Like they spend too much time kissing each other, they are all googly eye for them, it's sort of gross. Yes, I know I'm a heterosexual man saying googly eye and gross, but it's the damn truth. People who do that in public need to get a god damn room. The public space they are in doesn't need to see what they are doing with each other. Because I know I speak for other people who think it's disgusting too, people just need to keep it to themselves in their own room, that's all I gotta say."

WOULD YOU SAY THOSE ACTIVITIES REFLECT WHO YOU ARE?

"Most of those activities are wonders of who I truly am. I'm a serious person to get along with. I don't take jokes lightly, at least not with strangers and acquaintances. I do joke around a lot with the company of my friends and only my friends. If you're a coworker, well you better sass your ass, and start sucking up to be my friend outside of work because I'm a hell of a lot more fun to deal with. But with people I don't know and with coworkers at times, they get the side of me that is more serious and gets to the point of the argument. I get straight to the point, I don't give anyone fluff. What's the point of fluff when you have a murder or a death involved anyways? It just leads you away from the situation and it leads you astray until you finally realize what's in front of you. One must think about what's in front of them with the facts straight. Getting to the point is simple, it's fast, and it's fucking easy to do. So I have no idea why people don't get straight to the point more often. I think it's because they love to lead people on, and don't care for that fact that some people have other things to do than just stand there waiting for the actual truth to pop up right in front of their faces.

To say I'm serious is one thing, but with this other side that most of my friends know me by is something else. I truly mean something else. When I hang out with my friends, I will give them beer with alcohol and I will drink the non-alcoholic beer just to see them get drunk and then I pretend to be drunk, just so they feel like I'm on the same level with them. The only thing is, I will be standing there next to them with a video camera recording the entire thing. Just so they can see the next day how wasted they get, but I usually share it with the whole world on YouTube, first before showing them. And then if it's a hit on YouTube, I'll tell them how successful they were. Most of my friends know I do this, but they tend to forget about it because well you get drunk and tend to forget what the other person is doing at times. But whatever their reason is forgetting about it, is their problem really. I just like to get a laugh out of it because it's hilarious to see what they are capable of doing.

But you know I'm not all shit and giggles all the time. I can be a stand up guy and be nice for once in my life. When I take a lady friend out for a dinner, I will be the perfect gentleman anyone would know, but remember I don't always go on dates. Because you see being a cop and sometimes to jobs undercover, it sort of ruins the dating thing with me. With working late on cases and trying to get to the bottom of them as soon as possible, is usually what my motive is with them. And then with being undercover, I usually leave my life behind and become someone completely different and most people won't even recognize me then. But with the dating of other women it's hard to actually do. I'm picky about my women per say, as they just have to be that perfect someone that will fit what I do, and will understand what I do and be fully cooperative with what I'm capable of doing. Because I can kill someone with my bare hands, I can shoot someone from a far enough distance to not be spotted, and I can act like a criminal and get arrested like a criminal just to hold my cover. And I take my job seriously to the point that I will leave everyone and everything of my normal life out of my life undercover. And it's a pretty hefty fine to deal with. But I deal with it because I know the bigger out come of it all is more important to keep everyone else safe."

A COOL CAT LIKE YOU MUST HAVE A TON OF SUITORS FLOCKING TO YOU, HUH?

"Wow, you really are one with the words, aren't you? A cool cat like myself, should have a ton of suitors flocking toward me, but in truth I don't really have any of those who are serious to deal with my shit at this point of time. In all honesty, I don't really get many serious suitors at all. All those women enjoy staring at me, and looking over my nice manly body, but they aren't serious enough to come toward me and ask for a dinner date or anything. Beside I think I'm too involved with my career to even focus on the love of life anyways.

Though there are a few perks I like to look in women. Rule # 1, they have to be confident in themselves before I can accept them for who they are. Rule # 2, they can't be clingy people. I don't do clingy. Rule # 3, they must be comfortable with my line of work. I won't tell them that I'm an undercover cop, but I do tell them I'm a cop and I shoot criminals and that I do have a chance of getting shot myself. Rule # 4, woman need to make sure that I have my alone time, just like they have their alone time. I don't want to be called up at various times throughout the night for them to want me to come over to them and do nothing. They need to understand that I have a life just as much as they do. Rule # 5, I like woman who are determined to get to where they need to be. Like they have a plan set in motion of what they want in life. They can't be free loaders who have no idea what they are going to do with themselves. They must have a plan to succeed at life, whatever it may be."

COOL BEANS. THEY SAY YOUR FAMILY SHAPES WHO YOU ARE. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOURS?

"You already have said cool cat, and now you're saying cool beans? What's so cool about being a cool cat and what's with cool beans that it has to be said? There's nothing really cool about my family, and it does shape you, but not in the way one might actually think it does. My family is what do you want to say it in the lightest of terms, not really there. As you can see my sister and I were orphaned. Orphaned in the sense that we were left by ourselves for a brief time and never saw our parents again. So you see, I don't talk about my parents, they died, the way they died though, well that's still unknown to me. My sister and I are still very close to one another and we like to keep it that way.

For other family members all I have is my sister, and a cat named Boa. Don't ask about the name though. It's a long story and I'm not up to telling the reason of the name."

AND YOUR LIFE? TELL ME ABOUT YOUR PAST. I'M EAGER TO HEAR.

"My story is pretty personal to be honest. I've been lenient thus far in the interview, but I'm just not sure about telling this is such a good idea. Because I can be the closet case no one wants to hear anything about, and then everyone would want to hear about it. So as long as you don't go around and spread pointless rumors, I might just tell you the entire truth of my past.

Well I'm the eldest child between be and my sister, Darian, yes I know her name sounds like a guy's name, it's not okay. Well it is, but you know my mother liked the name either if she could have been my younger brother, if I had one. So I'm the eldest between the two of us, and to be honest for the first twelve years of my life, it was pretty easy. Our parents were around, and actually there to up take of us and everything. Oh yeah, I became a diabetic when I was young, I don't remember what age I was though. I know someone like me should remember things like well I can't remember. But I have Type One Diabetes, so it's not like I can reserve it and go back to being what some people call a normal human being. Things just can't happen that way. Some people are just stupid, alright.

So as I was saying, the first twelve years were alright, but during one night though it was just really weird. Our father came into our room and took us away from the house. Told us to stay outside for a while. As it was, it was pitch back and we were standing in the forest behind our home, maybe a mile or two away from it. And we stayed there until morning. Darian and I had fallen asleep holding each other, to make sure we stayed home. We traveled back home to find the house empty. Empty in the sense, our parents were gone. Just out of thin air. There wasn't much we could do, we didn't know any phone numbers so we couldn't call any family members to help us survive, but we did manage to call the police. They came over and took our statements, they also tried to find our grandparents, both maternal and paternal. For the most part we stayed at the house until we had to leave it. We packed up everything we wanted for the most part, at least for the night and went with child services.

A few days after we were taken in from our paternal grandparents, we found out the news. It was turned out our parents were involved in a fiery car crash and never made it out alive. We were all sad about it, but in all honesty, I kinda of felt a little sorry and a little glad. I know it's sounds so mean and cruel to have those as your finals thoughts about your parents. But you know they left me and Darian out in the middle of the forest without a blanket or water, and expected us to stay there until one of them came back for us. Well Darian and I could take of ourselves without their help.

So for the next few years we stayed with our grandparents, at least until we were able to live off on our own. After high school I went into the Navy, because I had found an old photo album of my grandfather's and thought 'Wow this is cool shit'. You know that teenager wanting to look cool and actually do someone with his life sort of thing. So I joined the Navy for a few years, did a damn good job at it before I was released, eight years later at the ripe age of twenty-five. And with nothing better to do with my life I decided to join the police force. Because well A) I had experience with guns and I knew how to use them, B) being on the police force felt as if I was doing the same thing, except different than what I was doing (if you know what I mean). And C) it was set schedule of something that would help me stay focused with a set plan ahead. You know like a daily routine that's the same over and over again, it's easy to follow and there isn't much room for error to be involved with it.

But that's probably all about my life that isn't told elsewhere throughout this interview though. It's not like I care to share how Boa got her name or anything because it was just a random sort of name to give to a cat, so there's nothing special about that. Umm, I lived in Maine the majority of my life, moving to Brunswick after I got out of the Navy and have lived here ever since. My sister moved down here some few years back just so we could stay near each other, as it's only us now. Our grandparents died when we were in our early twenties and such. So you know how it goes with siblings. Always wanting to stay at least a foot's distance away from one another. Even though that's on a bigger scale, but you should get what I'm saying though."

WHAT ABOUT A SECRET? EVERYONE HAS A SECRET.

"What is up with this secret business anyways? I've already shared one secret with you isn't that enough? You want to hear more about it or what? Well I'll tell you this, I'm a diabetic, and I'm an undercover cop. What difference does it make what a secret a person holds. None of it is truly as it seems with anyone, and I for one should know that by now. Everyone holds them, but to be aware of what they might be is another mystery all within itself."

ALRIGHT. TIME'S ALMOST UP. TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DREAMS. QUICK!

"My dreams, well I'm not sure if I really have any. I know most people have dreams, but to be honest, I don't know if I really have that set goal out there to succeed and accomplish. Maybe there is one, but you know it's a little far out there and I like what I'm doing as my current job is pretty overbearing at times. And becoming a police chief though is tough work, and then that sort of ruins my image in a way if one really thought about. Like I actually wouldn't mind being somewhere in those higher up positions, but maybe I'm just over thinking it with being police chief, maybe I should just shoot for the higher up for the department instead. That would probably be a better job as I could still handle what I'm use to for the most part."

AND THAT'S A WRAP. IT WAS NICE GETTING TO KNOW YOU.

"Well it was nice meeting you and all, I hope I don't run into you on the streets, or have to arrest you for a murder or something."

BEHIND THE MASK

TENNYSON | TWENTY | MOUNTAIN | I LIVE HERE | LIONEL, HENRY, JOSEF, NINA, CHANNING